If you could change places with your friend, would you? That's exactly what happens in the 2011 comedy movie 'The Change-Up,' starring Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, Olivia Wilde and Leslie Mann. 'The Change-Up' movie quotes include some truly hilarious quips from self-proclaimed playboy Mitch Planko (Reynolds) and his buddy, Dave Lockwood (Bateman). Little do they know that making a wish while urinating in a fountain will change their lives - literally. See a favorite quote on this list? Vote it up! Don't see your favorite 'Change-Up' quote listed? Add it!
'The Change-Up' is just one of several R-rated comedy movies released over the summer of 2011. Unlike some of the bigger hits, like 'Bridesmaids' and 'The Hangover Part II,' 'The Change-Up' didn't fare very well at the box office. As of mid-September 2011, 'The Change-Up' had grossed about $39 million in U.S. theaters. Dismal reviews for 'The Change-Up' probably didn't help. The film could do better on DVD: 'The Change-Up' DVD was set for release on November 8, 2011.
Looking for more summer comedy movie quotes? Check out these lists for 'Our Idiot Brother,''Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star,' 'Horrible Bosses,' '30 Minutes or Less' 'Friends With Benefits,' 'Bridesmaids',the 'Hangover Part 2,' and 'Bad Teacher'!
The Change-Up Movie Quotes,
Having Children
Dave: "Having children, it's like living with little mini heroin addicts. You know, they're laughing one minute and then they're crying the next and then they're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish and they burn through your money and the break s**t..."
Dave really does seem pretty beaten down by fatherhood. He's feeling the full weight of the pressures of having a family, and missing the carefree bachelor days. Careful what you wish for, Dave, or your irresponsible bestie will be caring for your little heroin addict children...
Briefs By Lunch
Sabrina: "I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch."
Dave: "That puts my balls on your chin by dinner."
Mitch: "That is schedule 4 sexual harassment!"
Try to follow this: Dave is really Mitch now and Mitch is really Dave. The ridiculously hot Sabrina (Olivia Wilde) works for Dave. Dave (really Mitch) suggests that she and Mitch (really Dave) go out, seeing as they're both single - and opening a whole new door for the real Dave to explore. Talk about temptation: During the date, Sabrina confesses to Mitch (really Dave, stay with us here) that she used to have a huge crush on Dave. Yeah, temptation. Big time.
Guns Hot
Dave (really Mitch): "No no no no no no. Don't back that thing up into me. I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot!"
Ew. Having just witnessed Dave's wife Jamie's pretty graphic bathroom visit, he's pretty grossed out as she gets in the bed, snuggling up to him.
Grocery Store
Mitch: "This is a calendar. It has a schedule of everything you need to do of everyday. It is at least 15 hours in a day. This is a grocery store. People buy food here. If you are unsure, call your wife. Always make sure you call your wife first."
I'm The Mother
Jamie (as babies are crying): "It's your turn."
Dave (really Mitch): "It's three in the morning, you're the mother."
Jamie: "I'm the mother! It's three o'clock in the morning! Get out of the bed right now before I cut you!"
Mitch, as Dave, learns pretty fast that fatherhood involves a serious lack of sleep. Jamie boots his ass out of bed and makes him deal with their crying babies. When one of them throws a meat cleaver at him (for fun, this isn't some malicous, creepy devil-baby), he tells Dave that his family is just a bit too "intense" for him.
Bald Spot
Mitch: "I know. You once took your vibrator into the bathtub. You then got electrocuted while using it and now you have a bald spot on your vagina."
Jamie (slaps Dave): "How dare you tell him!"
You're Married
Dave: "Tell me about your women."
Mitch: "I have been keeping company with a number of nice ladies."
Dave (looks at photo): "What is her name?"
Mitch: "That is Tatiana, I have to make her cry first - but it's worth it." (shows more photos) "This right here is Brenda. She wants it in wheelbarrow, Arabian goggles, the Arsenio Hall, the pastrami sandwich..."
Dave: "I don't even know what these are!"
Mitch: "You're married."
Dave: "Good point."
Given Mitch's propensity to brag, is it any wonder that Dave wants his life? He's married. To one woman. Sex with one woman only. The only pastrami sandwich he's having is the one he manages to wolf down in-between 3 a.m. baby feedings.
Like a Hurricane
Dave (really Mitch): "What do I tell Jamie, when she wants to have sex tonight?"
Mitch (really Dave): "You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch!"
Dave (really Mitch): "If she comes at me like a hurricane, a guy can only stand so much..."
Little does fake Dave know, but he's in for an...interesting evening. Some married couples share everything...
Thai Food
Jamie: "I need to cool it on the Thai food."
Dave (really Mitch) is all excited, thinking he's about to have sex with Dave's wife, Jamie. Unfortunately for him, he discovers that this married couple pretty much shares everything - including leaving the door open during (pretty gross) bathroom visits. Definitely kills the mood, huh Mitch?
Big Shiny Pole
Cara: "You wanna come to my dance recital?"
Mitch: "The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big shiny pole."
Yes, young Cara, Uncle Mitch is a bit of a player. He makes it quite clear he doesn't want to see Dave's daughter's recital, unless it involves strippers (which it doesn't).