'Dark Shadows' movie quotes are, not surprisingly, hilarious. The best lines from this 2012, Tim Burton-directed fantasy comedy based on the classic soap opera 'Dark Shadows' include several funny quips from Johnny Depp. In 'Dark Shadows,' Depp plays rich playboy Barnabas Collins. Barnabas is living the good life in the late-1700s when he breaks the heart of a powerful witch. She turns him into a vampire and buries him alive, where he remains until 1972. Then, he emerges to find that the world has changed dramatically over the past 200 years. See a favorite quote from 'Dark Shadows' on this list? Vote it up! And, if you have a personal favorite line from 'Dark Shadows' that isn't listed here, be sure to add it.
'Dark Shadows' is based on the ABC gothic soap opera created by Dan Curtis. The big screen version is directed by Tim Burton, with the script written by Seth Grahame-Smith ('Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,' 'Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter'). In addition to Johnny Depp, 'Dark Shadows' also stars Eva Green as Angelique Bouchard, the witch who curses Barnabas. When Barnabas is freed from his coffin, he meets the new inhabitants of Collinwood Manor. All are his descendants, and all have huge secrets and issues of their own. They include Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), Jonny Lee Miller as Elizabeth's brother, Roger Collins, Chloe Moretz as Elizabeth's teen daughter, Carolyn Stoddard, Jackie Earle Haley as Collinwood Manor's caretaker, Willie Loomis and Helena Bonham Carter as Elizabeth's psychiatrist, Dr. Julia Hoffman.
Looking for more great movie quotes? Check out these pages for the best lines from 'The Raven,' 'The Cabin in the Woods,' 'The Avengers,' 'The Five-Year Engagement,' 'The Moth Diaries,' 'The Hunger Games,' 'Chronicle,' 'Project X,' 'Silent House,' 'The Rum Diary,' and 'The Woman in Black.'
Dark Shadows Movie Quotes,
Stoning Me
Carolyn Stoddard: "Are you stoned or something?"
Barnabas Collins: "They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work."
Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Moretz) is the rebellious teen daughter of the family. She takes an instant dislike to Barnabas -- but she hates everything. That includes 200-year-old vampire relatives.
Alice Cooper
Carolyn Stoddard: "I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper."
Barnabas Collins: "Well, she should be our guest, nonetheless!" (watches Alice Cooper singing) "Ugliest woman I've ever seen!"
Alice Cooper does make an appearance in 'Dark Shadows,' singing "No More Mr. Nice Guy." This song, and Cooper's "Ballad Of Dwight Fry," are both on the 'Dark Shadows' movie soundtrack (along with hits from Barry White, Iggy Pop, T. Rex and The Moody Blues).
We Have a Chevy
Barnabas Collins: "How soon can the horses be ready?"
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: "We don't have horses, we have a Chevy."
Barnabas, not surprisingly, has a bit of trouble adjusting to life in the early-1970s. What's a Chevy, exactly?
Tiny Songstress
Barnabas Collins (looks at TV for the first time): "What sorcery is this?!" (unplugs TV) "Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!"
Imagine Barnabas' surprise when he discovers television for the first time. And imagine his horror when the first thing he sees is The Carpenters ("tiny songstress" Karen Carpenter) singing "Top of the World." This song, along with several other 70s-era classics, is featured on the 'Dark Shadows' soundtrack.
Condemned to the Shadows
Barnabas Collins: "My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home... until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time."
Barnabas made the tragic mistake of upsetting powerful witch Angelique Bouchard in 1792. As a result, she cursed him -- turning him into a vampire and then immediately having him locked in a coffin, where he remained for 200 years. Now THAT is some serious vengeance.
Place Your Lips Upon My Posterior
Angelique Bouchard: "Hello, Barnabas. Remember me?"
Barnabas Collins: "Witch! You cursed me to be this hideous creature! You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!"
When Barnabas emerges from his coffin, he finds that Angelique (Eva Green), the witch who condemned him hundreds of years ago, has become one of the most powerful people in Collinsport. A power struggle is coming -- a big one.
1972
Barnabas Collins: "Tell me, future dweller, what is the year?"
Willie Loomis: "1972."
Barnabas Collins: "1972? Here me, future dweller, you shall be my loyal servant until such time as I release you."
In 'Dark Shadows,' Barnabas Collins spent 200 years locked in a vault before finally being freed, unknowingly, by a group of grave robbers. Now, he's having some trouble adapting to life in the 20th Century, and he needs someone to help him. Caretaker Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley) is just the guy for the job.
Locked in a Box
Barnabas Collins: "Have you any idea what you put me through?"
Angelique Bouchard: "Barnabas, get over it."
Barnabas Collins: "Locked in a box for two hundred years!"
Angelique Bouchard: "Don't exaggerate, it was only a hundred and ninety-six."
Angelique's jealousy led her to punish Barnabas. He's really a pretty nice guy, even as a blood-sucking vampire. But he really hates Angelique, so expect some serious fights to ensue.
Birthing Hips
Barnabas Collins: "What is your age, if I may?"
Carolyn Stoddard: "Fifteen."
Barnabas Collins: "Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die."
Carolyn Stoddard: "You're weird."
Telling Barnabas Collins he's "weird" is actually a compliment, of sorts. Barnabas has definitely got a hang-up about birthing hips, including those belonging to 10-year-old David Collins' governess, Victoria (Bella Heathcote).
Never Having to Say Sorry
Barnabas Collins (to members of a hippie commune): "Love means never having to say you're sorry. However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you."
Johnny Depp has said that as a child, he loved 'Dark Shadows' and actually wanted to BE Barnabas Collins. He's getting his wish in this movie remake, and he's definitely going for campy laughs. Character-wise, Depp says he was most influenced by the actor who played the original Barnabas, Jonathan Frid.